when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
