Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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