who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
