I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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