my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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