Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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