My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
