it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
