she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize