please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
