I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Holy shit dude........stairs
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