I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
