He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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