happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
