i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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