ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
