I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
