I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
ttyl tear gas
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
