so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
