Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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