I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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