i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
