I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
