A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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