My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
FUCK WHALES
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
