watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
