Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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