Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i now understand why vodka
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Randomize
