I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
