My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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