She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
