I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize