Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
