Where is the hickey?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
