Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
