The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
