I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
