My boss' voice literally gives me gas
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you will always have a special place in my vag
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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