saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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