I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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