I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
