The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
