Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
