I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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