You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
