Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
