I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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