Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
