These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
