What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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