i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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