I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
