dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
