I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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