NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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