it hurts more in the daytime
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
