hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
